Three little words; For, With or To

I’ve spent most of my career working with seniors and now I’m a senior.  That position allows me to see certain situations with two viewpoints, professional and personal.  A recent incident allowed me to glimpse a common situation families experience with seniors but from the internal viewpoint.  

The typical scenario goes like this; family member does something they think would help the senior.  They do it without discussing it with the senior; just present their contribution. The senior is far from appreciative.  Instead, they are upset, angry, or dismissive.  The family member reports that they feel wounded, or frustrated.  Families say; “I was only trying to help!”  Why didn’t the senior see the value?

Ask yourself; “When I do things for my senior, am I doing it with them or to them?” 

I got to experience this myself.  Recently, I visited my children in New York.  We rented a B&B which turned out to be awful! After confronting the agent and securing a refund, we had a sad dinner.  It was late at night and the children were on their phones looking for lodging.  We trudged to the hotel; I checked in and went to bed.  Unbeknown to me, the children believed the hotel was “dodgy”.  They stayed up to late to book another hotel!  Now, I was on the hook for a bill I knew nothing about!  

I woke up to a call from my daughter-in-law with this news.  I had not yet showered, no breakfast, and now I’ve got to deal with this!  I strenuously objected.  Insight came to me in the shower (which was running very s-l-o-w-l-y).  Three words stood at the center of this conflict: for, with, and to. 

My children thought they were doing something  for me by booking another hotel.  It didn’t feel like that to me.  Is that what’s going on internally when the senior objects?  Does for take away another piece of their autonomy?

They didn’t do it with me.  They kept silent instead of sharing their concerns about the hotel.  They made financial assumptions instead of asking me questions.  Their decision put me in a money bind. 

I felt as though things had been done to me.   Is that what’s going on internally when seniors object?  Are they really mad about the item or the way it came to them?   Do families need to take time to walk the senior through the process (preferably after breakfast) or find some way to engage them?   I believe that for is a good thing, in the combination of with, so it doesn’t feel like to.

P.S. The next hotel had a better shower.