I’ve spent most of my career working with seniors and now I’m a senior. That position allows me to see certain situations with two viewpoints, professional and personal. A recent incident allowed me to glimpse a common situation families experience with seniors but from the internal viewpoint.
The typical scenario goes like this; family member does something they think would help the senior. They do it without discussing it with the senior; just present their contribution. The senior is far from appreciative. Instead, they are upset, angry, or dismissive. The family member reports that they feel wounded, or frustrated. Families say; “I was only trying to help!” Why didn’t the senior see the value?
Ask yourself; “When I do things for my senior, am I doing it with them or to them?”
I got to experience this myself. Recently, I visited my children in New York. We rented a B&B which turned out to be awful! After confronting the agent and securing a refund, we had a sad dinner. It was late at night and the children were on their phones looking for lodging. We trudged to the hotel; I checked in and went to bed. Unbeknown to me, the children believed the hotel was “dodgy”. They stayed up to late to book another hotel! Now, I was on the hook for a bill I knew nothing about!
I woke up to a call from my daughter-in-law with this news. I had not yet showered, no breakfast, and now I’ve got to deal with this! I strenuously objected. Insight came to me in the shower (which was running very s-l-o-w-l-y). Three words stood at the center of this conflict: for, with, and to.
My children thought they were doing something for me by booking another hotel. It didn’t feel like that to me. Is that what’s going on internally when the senior objects? Does for take away another piece of their autonomy?
They didn’t do it with me. They kept silent instead of sharing their concerns about the hotel. They made financial assumptions instead of asking me questions. Their decision put me in a money bind.
I felt as though things had been done to me. Is that what’s going on internally when seniors object? Are they really mad about the item or the way it came to them? Do families need to take time to walk the senior through the process (preferably after breakfast) or find some way to engage them? I believe that for is a good thing, in the combination of with, so it doesn’t feel like to.
P.S. The next hotel had a better shower.
As we approach the holidays, we consider visiting elderly relatives or arranging for them to visit us. While I cannot offer a guarantee of a pleasant visit, here are a few things to keep in mind to avoid some of the pitfalls
When families gathered on Thanksgiving day, some realized that their senior was not the same as last year. Families often respond by doing internet research. The internet is a good first step. However, some sites make outlandish claims. I saw one that offered a treatment that “cured Alzheimer’s”. There is no cure and some of these sites can offer dangerous suggestions.
Here are a few reputable sites that offer reliable information:
Alzheimer's Association. This site also has a page devoted to explaining the different types of dementia. It also lists other physical conditions or environmental conditions that can look like dementia.
American Society on Aging. It can feel encyclopedic in size. The society has done decades of research and offers reliable information. It’s a good second step.
AARP offers many programs and information for families as well as seniors. Each state has a chapter with offices in each area. Look up your state to find help in your area.
And Senior Sidekicks offers a course; Preparing to Parent Your Parent, to prepare families for the practical issues they will face as they become caregivers. Contact us about teaching this course in your church or at your job. Call (217) 787-5866 or email us for more information.
How do you know when this old house is the wrong house now? Seniors who are reluctant to move may refuse to leave.
One senior refused to leave her old neighborhood even though the neighborhood had changed. As she left for church one morning, she was shot in the heart by a stray bullet. Waiting to move until there’s a crisis means the senior loses control of the move. The senior who was shot was moved by others. They didn’t know what she had wanted to take with her; she lost some things which made her very sad.
Taking your senior on a decision-making journey helps them to see for themselves that things have changed. A senior realized a move was necessary when she needed more medical care. The house by the lake was too far away. She spent anxious moments waiting for first responders to arrive when she was in need.
A house is not a home, even though some seniors think they’re the same. One senior wanted to keep e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, including the china hutch. She measured her new apartment to show it would fit. However, the movers couldn’t get it through the front door. Perhaps it doesn’t fit after all. What else won’t “fit”? We move into a house and we make it a home.
What’s really important to your senior? It’s probably not the kitchen sink or the screen door. Important things, like photos and mementos, can go anywhere. These can go to the next housing phase. Senior won’t lose the important things: their history.
One family referred to the next phase of housing as a new “home”. Their senior dug in her heels and refused to do anything! The family called for my help. I asked the senior to define the word “home”. She described an early 20th century county old age home! I explained that the last of those had been torn down years ago. I offered her a different option; her own apartment with indoor mail box and a grounds crew to mow and shovel. She was willing to learn more.
How has your senior’s old neighborhood changed? Sometimes they need to see it for themselves. I took my Grandfather out to his front porch. Together we remembered the old neighborhood. He talked about the people who once lived there, the streetcar track, and the horses stabled at the end of the street. Each time I asked him, “Where are they now?” At the end he was silent for a moment. Then he said;”They’re all gone”. I offered that if all the people and horses had left, maybe it was OK for him to move on as well. “I like my front porch!” my Grandfather said emphatically. “You’re right; your next place MUST have a front porch!” I said just as emphatically. Then my grandfather pointed to the two trees in the front yard. “I planted those to shade the house”, he said. “They do a great job”, I told him. “100 years from now, they’ll stand as a testament to your efforts”.
Referring to changes as; the next phase of life, works better than to call it; giving up your home. One of my clients was forced to move when she was robbed at home, twice! Even so, she was very upset about leaving. I took her for lunch and a tour of a senior apartment building. She gazed in awe at the beautiful chandelier in the lobby. She did a double-take when a uniformed waiter asked for our luncheon order. After lunch, we toured several apartments. As we drove back to her house I asked her what she thought. “It looks so nice”, she said, “When can I move?”
Another senior had been a great gardener. He was unhappy about leaving his garden. I contacted a newly-constructed facility and asked about gardening plots. On our tour, they pointed out future space for residents’ gardens. The senior explained that the area had too much shade and offered another part of the yard. Since the plots were not yet set, the staff agreed to consider his idea. He would be their gardening consultant! He moved.
Seniors may see a change of housing as a loss of who they used to be; show them how they keep their interests, their memories and mementos.
If you would like our Free Has Your Senior Outgrown The House? Checklist please check mark your request below, and submit.
October 18th, the V.A. is starting a 36 month “look back” on gifts. This will affect the eligibility for The Aid & Attendance Pension Benefit. It has been a lifeline to afford the Long Term Care they need. The V.A. is also changing the asset limit (the amount they family can hold and still qualify) to $123,000. If the veteran still lives in the house; it’s not counted toward assets. If they are planning to sell the house, the money from the sale could be counted. However, with proper strategies, they might still be able to qualify. Some veterans can no longer live in the same house (too many stairs, too far from care) If a veteran is planning on selling the house, please contact the Veteran’s Financial immediately: 1-800-835-1541.
"A Senior Moment" is written by Ms. Sara Lieber, owner of Senior Sidekicks. Ms. Lieber has over 30 years of experience in senior care.