A Valentine From the Beyond - Caregivers and Grief

My youngest sister had struggled with cancer since 2019.  She passed away on January 28th  2022 @ 2:53pm.  

Valentine’s Day was approaching but it was the last thing on my mind.  I remembered that she had always sent me a Valentine; usually home made.  She was the only member of my family who did.  Many times I had told her she didn’t have to go to all that trouble but she did it anyway, year after year.  This year would be different, there would be no Valentines.  

Then our doorbell rang and my husband answered.  All I could do was hear their conversation. Our caller was a little neighbor girl.  The sound of her small voice reminded me of my sister. She presented us with some cookies and her hand-painted card. “I thought you would like these;” she said. We had never received a Valentine gift from them before. My husband handed the bag to me.  I ate a cookie and cried; it was just like my sister used to make.   This gift was “ordered” from beyond and arrived at my lowest point: one final Valentine. Love is stronger than death.

This event made me think about my work with caregivers.  How does the process of caregiving’s end impact them?  A caregiver, whose recipient dies, has a loss of role as well as a loss of a loved one. Society isn’t always helpful; “Why don’t you go out and celebrate your freedom?” [from caregiving] How would you respond when you’re in mourning?  

Some people inquire about the caregiver’s next career move; “Are you going to go get a job?” Many caregivers have had to give up promotions, to preserve their caregiving role. They re-enter the workforce with a financial deficit. Caregivers need to re-enter the workforce but how and where?  What skills do they need now? Where are the new jobs?  Thus, former caregivers face a more uncertainly-funded retirement.  Wouldn’t you feel lost when you realized that work-life, and former friends have moved on?  Do these conditions make a former caregiver want to celebrate; or to wonder where to turn? (!)

Still, there is the ever-present grief.  Some cultures weave that process into a ceremony. Ceremony helps in two ways, it commemorates and encapsulates. Commemoration seems obvious; like saying a prayer or lighting a candle.  Encapsulation isn’t as obvious.  Once the candle is lit or the prayer said; it’s done.  Once a physical action expressed the emotions of the Caregiver its performance holds those feelings.  Caregivers need to be honored and recognized for their loss as well their service.  The emotion becomes action; as the action contains the emotion.  Giving emotion a place and holding it, frees energy to devote to caregiver re-entry.

Paid caregiving staff would benefit from recognition as well.  I attended a funeral for an elder who had full-time care at home.  The family, wisely, invited the former care staff to the funeral and the meal-of-condolence afterwards.  Family members introduced the staff to various mourners.  That’s not only kind; it’s necessary.  Paid staff can become attached to their elders.  “They also serve who only stand in wait”* (on the elder).  Would our society attract better caregiving staff if they knew they would be recognized for their service?  

Transitions from caregiving require time, and money.  That same family paid each staff member for two weeks in addition to their time at the funeral.  Hooray!  They need to find another job.  How would one leap to a new job in 24 hours?  

Former family caregivers find their service is considered “time-off” by employers! Really! Managing elder care takes skill and coordination; valuable traits.  Getting the elder to cooperate with care is an art; like that of negotiation.  It’s time to see caregiving as a valuable experience.

Family caregivers need the same things but there is no system for them.   Military personnel, re-entering civil life, can get help with training, and support.  These processes of loss, grief and rebuilding in caregivers goes unrecognized by society; leaving them isolated.

As the GIs returned from WWII, there was the 52-40 club.  Each person got $40.00 for 52 weeks.  There is no such program for former caregivers.  Why not?   Oh NO!  Such a program would cost money! Family caregivers usually serve for free.  They SAVE over $10 billion dollars for our society.  If we had to fund that care, our country would be in serious trouble.  If we had a caregiver re-entry program it would be a WIN, WIN, WIN.

First Win:  We could incorporate already-existing social structure like churches, to incorporate caregiving recognition and support into their mission. Former caregivers could pass on their acquired wisdom to support new caregivers.

Second Win:  Money spent on education for former caregivers pays off in better wages earned and more tax revenue for society

Third Win: Former caregivers, who are better able to recoup their lost earnings, would be less likely to require public assistance in their old age.

A former caregiver re-entry program wouldn’t cost, it would pay.

* A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens