We have seen how caregiving creeps until it fills one’s daily life and affects one’s job. What about the people in your immediate family? Do your children behave differently? Are they withdrawn or act out? Have you received school reports about problems? We expect sibling rivalry when a new baby comes home. What if the one who demands the parent’s attention is not a baby; it’s Grandma? That’s not what most caregivers anticipate. Yet, a distracted parent is still a distracted parent.
What about your spouse? The marriage vows cover sickness and health, richer or poorer. They don’t include vows to care for your parent and mine. Perhaps we should add new vows should since caregiving now involves 43.5 million people; according to Caregiver.org/Statistics and demographics. That number will continue to climb! Most couples haven’t considered caregiving the same way they considered where they would live or how many children to have.
Yet, caregiving affects many households as well as individual caregivers. Isn’t it time to address caregiving together, just as couples do with other life decisions? Senior Sidekicks’ course, Preparing to Parent Your Parent, is designed to get spouses into working with each other. Those who enroll can bring the spouse at half price. Together, you will learn about handling various parts of caregiving and compile a manual for future reference. You can arrange the course for a location near you; like your church. Senior Sidekicks will deliver the course at times convenient for both of you; evenings, weekends, lunch hours, or days. Call us today at 217-787-5866.
While standing in a checkout line, I struck up a conversation with an elder. He said his house was too big but wouldn’t move because he would need to downsize first. The elder said that he had decided not to clean out, instead, to leave it for his kids. Really! That’s an unwise choice for many reasons:
“I lost so much time from my family”.
“It cost me my job (or promotion)”.
“I had to stop my education and it was harder to go back”.
“I felt so alone, like my parents had abandoned me to this task”.
“I felt overwhelmed”.
“I developed high blood pressure”.
“My sibs and I fought about sharing the work, it’s still hurts”.
So, what will be your legacy to your children?
There it is: the street where you grew up and the house coming into view. All your memories flood back as you park the car and unload the bags. When you come inside, things aren’t the same. No decorations and no special smells or music greet you. Your parent is delighted to see you but that is as far as it goes.
Holidays reveal the way things are now. It takes extra effort to put up decorations and bake special dishes. Your parent may no longer be capable of doing the extras.
How does that scene might make you feel? It is hard to view your family home which is now unfamiliar in its lack of holiday efforts. Perhaps, in your heart of hearts, you had a feeling things would be different this year. Perhaps, you even felt some physical symptoms as you reached the old neighborhood. Perhaps you felt irritable during this trip. The intuitive parts of us “record” small bytes of information from contacts with our parents earlier in the year. These impressions were stored away because the other parts of our lives are so busy. These bytes of impressions don’t go away because we grew up with these parents. We know them in depths we cannot put in words. Your feelings are your intuition comparing the way things were with the current data and flashing a signal to prepare you: heed that signal. Once you understand that these vague physical symptoms are signals they lose their power. You are not getting sick, but you may feel sick at heart. Feeling a sense of loss is real, so are feeling sad or lonely. Realizing things have changed is also real.
Here we are at your parents’ doorway; what do we do with our feelings? The doorway is not the place to deal. Let’s go through the process and look for times and ways to handle your feelings. We have all had some nerve-wracking event and we all know how we reacted then. We are the same people now. Your feelings will hit you, plan for it.
Take a moment for yourself when you feel symptoms or irritation. Yes, take a moment for yourself. You will not be able to cope with this process if you do not take yourself into account. If you are alone put your pen down, or take your fingers off the keyboard. Feel your feelings. That might include shedding a few tears, let them flow. It will work better than at your parent’s doorway. Perhaps you do not shed tears, punch something safe to punch! Take a few deep breaths.
Next; reach for your positive memory. Select one or two things that were special to you about the holidays at home. Was it music? You know where the records are stored and you can retrieve them. Was a particular dish? If you can’t bake it, there are people who can. Order it for pick up. That pick up trip could be an outing for you to share with the parent or a chance to give you a break during the visit. Perhaps it’s decorating you remember. Think about those items and prioritize. Don’t get everything out. Putting up a couple decorations is another activity you can share with your parent. Resolve yourself to the new situation. This will not be a holiday like the past. You can make it a celebration: which is our presence with each other. That’s the greatest present.
Once upon a time there were two sisters. Mary built a cabin by the lake with her husband. They sold their house in town upon retirement. The other, Beth, also wanted a “cabin in the woods”. She and her husband planned to retire there as soon as their youngest child finished college.
Things did not turn out as planned. Mary developed lung cancer. She needed to be closer to medical care. Those winding lake roads were not plowed in the winter. She wrote that “The bugs never stop” at the lake. Her condition made it hard for her to keep up with such a house. Since the lake house was new, they had almost no equity yet, and they had to sell. They took a loss as they moved back to town.
Beth had a different set of problems. Her husband developed some odd behaviors after he retired. She found it uncomfortable keeping house with him underfoot. She confessed to her daughter that she was considering a divorce! Thankfully, they had not built a cabin in the woods or they would have had no relief from each other.
Her husband finally enrolled in a program and participated in local archeology projects. One day the Sherriff’s car drove into her driveway. He announced that her husband had died of a heart attack on one of these projects. Now, Beth was a widow with a child still in college! Thankfully, they had not started to build this cabin. How would she have managed to finish its construction and sale by herself? She didn’t want to live so far from town now that she was alone.
What can we learn from these sisters?
Senior depression presents several problems. It appears as “mild” even if it doesn’t affect seniors mildly. Depression symptoms may surface as physical complaints. Seniors grew up in an era when receiving mental help = CRAZY. Each of those problems presents a barrier to treatment. How does a caregiving adult child get a senior to accept the help they need? They really need it. Even though seniors account for 13% of our population, they comprise 18% of all completed suicides! Our society must take senior depression seriously. Medication may not be enough. Religion/spirituality (R/S) may be a treatment pathway that seniors can accept.
Religious and Spiritual Factors in Depression: Review and Integration of Research is a review of literature: a look at 444 research articles on the subject of R/S. All studies were reviewed for their methods. 178 studies were found to be rigorously designed and their data analyzed. Most studies found that seniors who a religious or spiritual practice did better at managing depression or facilitating its resolution. The review found that R/S beliefs may be used to cope/adapt to stressful life circumstances. Seniors certainly face those; life-changing illness, loss of career, loss of home, and loss of spouse/friends. Their lives need ways to adapt.
A second part of this study, found a lower likelihood of mood or psychiatric disorder for those who regularly attended religious services. There was one caveat; if the R/S tradition was very orthodox, the senior may feel more judged than supported by their R/S tradition. You know your senior. You know what type of R/S practice they hold. If there is a supportive faith community; try it. This same review of literature noted that “pastoral counselors spend 140 million hours (doing) therapy each year”. That’s more hours than provided by the American Psychological Association! Since it is part of the counseling media, ask for this help for your senior.
Does it help? The greatest medicine is no good if your senior won’t take it. The same applies to counseling. If it’s socially acceptable to meet with the pastor; use that method.
Health and Spirituality, examined the relationship between health and spirituality. Researchers found that the modern, western era’s response to illness/depression was a departure from other cultures and most of history. In other times, religion was considered an integral part of healthcare. Major illnesses focus the patient’s attention on ultimate meaning, purpose and transcendence. The Nurses’ Study found that women who attended weekly religious services had a lower mortality rate that those who never did. Regular religious attendance was associated with a lower rate of depression. Wow! Does our society need to return to an integrated/ whole person strategy to effectively treat seniors? I believe we should.
Have we become too quick to provide pills to our seniors? The Center for Medicare and Medicaid (CMS) has a “rule of 4”. If the senior is taking more than 4 kinds of pills, their risk of medication conflicts and issues increases. While medicine might be helpful, other strategies could make a difference without raising further medication conflicts.
How many pills is your senior taking? Is it a constant battle to get them to take medicine? I suggest you discuss the idea of trying regular religious attendance and pastoral counseling instead. As you discuss this method with the doctor, please keep this study result in mind. One study gave cancer patients and their doctors a list of 7 factors to rank when making medical decisions. The patients ranked faith in God 2nd. The physicians placed it last. Thus, it is the adult child/caregiver who must advocate for alternative approaches. Always discuss changes with the doctor. Try adding God; He just might help your senior.
Who knew that art might make a critical difference in the treatment of elder depression? In 2001, Dr. Gene Cohen conducted the first experimental study of seniors in cultural programs and its effect on general health, mental health, and social activities: Creativity and Aging.
This study has been citied repeatedly in other works and became a foundation for senior programming. As I researched elder depression, I was struck by three things in relation to this study. First, the date, Creativity and Aging was only done in 2001. We have drawn since we had cave walls. What took us so long to consider the relationship between creative arts and seniors achieving a healthier quality of life? How’s that for an outcome?
Second, the design of the study was notable because it included a control group. How else does one obtain hard data? Once the comparisons were made, it was clear; the arts make a difference. We worry about rising health care costs. Perhaps, we could lower direct healthcare costs by utilizing proven cultural programs. If, as this study demonstrates, cultural programs achieve true health promotion and disease prevention effects, why aren’t we using this method to address senior health issues?
Third, the seniors studied were OLDER that the average life expectancy! Wow, does that mean we could achieve even more positive health outcomes if we started cultural programming earlier, on younger seniors?
It’s something to think about. Medical costs are expanding the way we do things now. I believe it’s time to consider other methods as additions to direct medicine. Think about it.
When I begin discussing caregiving, some families respond; “We’ll keep it in the family.” Others comment; “We’ll do it the way our parents took care of their parents”. Caregiving traditions are fine. However, today’s caregiving is different in a number of ways.
These circumstances mean caregiving is a more complex, longer-lasting process working very differently than in previous generations.There are many legal and financial implications for elders and their families as they enter the newest phase of life; the caregiving phase.Our employer’s expectations have not kept up with these demographic changes. Our care systems have not caught up with the need for caregiving support. Our health systems have not even tracked the impact of elder caregiving on the adult children trying t0 shoulder this responsibility. Expecting do-your-own-caregiving is laudable, it may not be feasible. We are a society in transition.
Until our society establishes the systems necessary to track, to develop and to adjust to elder caregiving, we must find other ways to fill these gaps. Professional advice on elder caregiving is as important as professional legal and financial advice. There are courses for caregivers. There are legal and financial preparedness classes as well. The courses can help but only if we take them. We decided to prepare to have babies, or prepare to drive cars. We must decide to seek expert advice to prepare us for our transition from ancient forms of elder caregiving to a modern one.
Senior Sidekicks offers a course; Preparing to Parent Your Parent.
This year, on August 12th, Senior Sidekicks is honored to present at the 15th Annual Conference for Caregivers on the topic of depression. Our mission is to support elder caregivers so this opportunity is especially meaningful to us. Senior Sidekicks will discuss elder depression as well as its affect on the caregiver’s health and state of mind.
The Conference for Caregivers is unique in several ways:
It was one of the first in the country to highlight the role of elder caregivers. While there is some national conversation about our aging population, its impact on caregivers has not been on the radar.
Second, this conference has been self-supporting since its inception. Even through past budget issues, this conference continues on its own.
Third, the conference offers respite services to those caregivers who need it in order to attend. How many other caregiver-oriented functions offer respite?
Fourth, this conference surveys caregivers who attended on topics they request. Caregivers shaped this year’s conference. We look forward to seeing you!
A friend of mine recently asked about what to bring someone in a nursing home who “had a breakdown” following the death of the partner. One of my replies was; “bring yourself”. Aging doesn’t grant us immunity from depression, life happens and we suffer losses. These situations often lead to feeling blue or depressed. That would be true for any age group. However, our society equates age with being depressed. We need to advocate for a change in that viewpoint.
Why do older people often seem depressed?
When these things occur, does medicine consider treating the depression? More than once I have heard medical personnel begin their discussion with the words, “Well this person is elderly.” Age is a stage of life, not a disease. A person who suffers from depression is no different than a person who suffers from anything else. We should be looking for the causes at any age. Patients who receive treatment for depression do better on recovery from physiological conditions than those whose depression is ignored.
Depression can lead to other losses. Another senior told me his friend had finally married a long-time girlfriend. He had a heart attack and they got a divorce. The senior did not see the connection but I did; an untreated depression could have contributed to the marital problem.
What about antidepressants? Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. Medications are tested people who are under age 65. If your senior is 75, 85, or 95+, they are in a different place physically than they were earlier in life. Think about this in terms of yourself. Consider your age, and think back 30 years. What were you doing? How was your health? What was your energy level? Are you the same as you were then? Why do we expect medications to work the same way on seniors who might be 30+ years older than the test group? Thus, it was no surprise to me that the friend in the nursing home also had “struggled with her antidepressants”.
What about other forms of intervention? A senior who has lost a spouse might benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. What grief support groups were brought to this person? Notice I said “brought to”. When depression hits, it may sap the sufferer’s ability to get themselves to the group. Support/help to get a person to the group might be necessary at first.
CAUTION: When you hear statements like “ending it all, no use in living, hopeless, or thoughts on death”; call for help. This level of depression requires more drastic intervention. While emergency situations call for drastic measures, those should not be the only ones employed.
What other things could you do to help a person suffering from depression?
In my decades of work with seniors, I look at the person first; who were they? What used to matter to them? What would help them restore a part of their life to what it was? Then, I look at many ways to respond. I consider what makes the suffering person better, not what makes it convenient for the staff. Giving a pill and walking away won’t do it. Bring yourself; the present of your presence is the best medicine.
The opioid epidemic is in the news. We don’t associate seniors with these issues. However we should be aware of the problems they can create for seniors. We caregivers do what we can to examine in-home help before they participate with our seniors. Agencies run “background checks” on potential employees. However, these methods do not always reveal drug use. Here’s where we are now:
I usually do not make specific resource recommendations but this one is excellent:Current Drug Trends
Sgt Bruce R. Talbot (Ret) MPA
I strongly recommend you take this course.Let’s keep our seniors safe.
"A Senior Moment" is written by Ms. Sara Lieber, owner of Senior Sidekicks. Ms. Lieber has over 30 years of experience in senior care.