Describe Yourself in Three Words. This is one of the games I include in my Course; Preparing to Parent Your Parent. Participants offer all kinds of responses; attributes like insightful or patient. Others describe demographics; father, wife, or daughter. Some describe themselves as fans of sports or certain teams. A few describe their occupations or religious affiliation. I write all their responses on the board.
Then, I ask the group, “What kinds of descriptions are on the board?” We assign various categories. I ask the group, “What kinds of descriptions are NOT on the board?” This usually meets with silence. Often I must offer some categories. Typically, people do not describe themselves by their income level. I offer that option. Then, I ask the group to look for any self-description that includes a diagnosis. None! This game highlights the difference in how individuals see themselves compared to how society sees seniors. An individual can be anyone of any age. When seniors describe themselves, they use a variety of terms. When society describes them, it is often diagnosis-first! Age is a stage of life, not a disease. Life has many aspects. Health is one of them; not the only one. Unfortunately, we see those who are aged as = ill. There are consequences resulting from such a one-dimensional view. If others will only really listen when you talk about your chronic conditions, it encourages a mental focus on those conditions. If the only time you’re touched is in the context of a medical process, you will seek such contact through medical occasions. Are we driving seniors into these situations because those places fulfill their human needs? All ages need attention and human contact. We know that children may behave badly in order to get attention. We know that small children who do not receive regular, loving touch develop more slowly. I observe that seniors also respond to attention to their non-medical interests and kindly touch. It’s time to ask for modification in our society’s view of aging. How did we become the society that treats one group differently? I suspect our original view of aging was reverence. The old ones were the elders (leaders) of the group. They acted as the library and history lesson. The old ones had an occupation; to teach or act as guide for the young. As society became more complex, the old ones were not as visible. Industrialization pushed some women, small children, and elders out of the workplace. In agricultural societies, all ages played some role and all worked as a team. Illness was present in all ages, not just the old. Basic health improvements like clean drinking water and public sanitation reduced deaths, especially in younger people. Basic care reduced some infant and maternal mortality. The old were not spared. Every winter, pneumonia took the lives of elders. This disease was once called the “old man’s friend” because it ended suffering from other chronic (untreatable) conditions. Thus, our ideas of the meaning of “old” evolved. It became equal to “sick”. Contrast this pattern with today’s medical care. We can treat pneumonia and other many chronic conditions. Elders benefit as well younger persons. Our viewpoint needs to evolve if we are to meet the real needs of our aging population. Seniors need less emphasis on more medical care; they want greater societal integration and quality of life. They describe themselves in three words in the same pattern as younger people; attributes, demographics, (former) occupations, sports fans, and religious affiliations. In 40 years, I have never met a senior who described herself by her diagnoses. Why should we? Would you like to talk with me about this topic?
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At a social gathering a woman at my table stated she had not thought about herself as a future caregiver. She told me; “My parents are fine right now and thinking about them needing my care is scary.” Her comment made me think about what holds adult children back from preparing for caregiving. I see four reasons: First: It’s scary. Certain factors make circumstances feel scary. When we don’t know what to expect; it’s scary. When we don’t know how to respond; it makes us feel helpless and scared. When we don’t know where to get help; it makes us feel alone and scared. No one wants to be in that situation. It’s normal to withdraw when we don’t know what else to do. There is a better way; preparation. Our society has found ways to meet other challenges by preparation. For example, I live in tornado country. We never know when the weather will change. Yet, we don’t sit paralyzed: we prepare and respond. We have weather warnings, sirens, shelters, and drills. We may have tornadoes, but we don’t take these lying down! Because society prepared, life goes on. Life could go on for caregivers as well if they were prepared. Caregiving preparation follows the same preparation pattern. Learn about it. Make contingency plans. Engage others effectively. Preparation removes the scary parts of the process. I developed a course, Preparing to Parent Your Parent, to help new caregivers or future caregivers do that. Why do some people respond to a course for caregivers like this? “I’ll deal with it when the time comes.” Really! Think about the other ways they prepare. Would they wait until their car slid off an icy road to check the tires in winter? Did they wait to study childbirth until they were in labor? If they would do those preparations; why not do the same for caregiving? The worst time to make plans is in the midst of a crisis! A second reason for hesitation: The same person described her concern about elder-related information. She felt like she had so much to learn she didn’t know where to begin. She wasn’t sure how she could remember it. Information overload is a 21st Century condition. Some people have described it; “like drinking out of a fire hose”! The internet doesn’t give caregivers ways to order, relate, and manage information. We have always had ways to manage information. Remember the card catalogue in the library? It helped us find the right book. We didn’t need all the books at once because we knew we could return to get more information when we needed it. A caregiving preparation course does the same task as the library card catalogue; manage information. My course turns the information fire hose down to a drinking fountain! The third reason future caregivers hesitate is they do not have role models from their early lives. There’s a reason for that missing link; the age change happened so quickly. Let’s compare; in Sangamon County, in 1910, the average life expectancy was 50-53 years (depending on gender and race). Compare that to 2010; when the average life expectancy was 77-78.8 years. That’s a big jump in only two generations! Contrast that change with millennia we have born children. People grew up seeing many adults caring for children. We received role models by social osmosis. We have not had the same numbers of seniors, for as long, very until recently. We don’t have an historic set of elder care wisdom yet. We can fill that gap with preparation. We can learn new skills just as we learned to drive a car. We can adapt to changes, just as we have adapted to the internet. We have already learned and adapted to other things; why not apply them to elder caregiving preparation? The final reason caregivers might hesitate is worry about health. That is not a selfish attitude. Every organism is oriented to preserving itself. Taking care of ourselves as we care for others is an essential skill (and included in my course). Many elder caregivers are also responsible for children, spouse, house, pets, and the job! It’s not selfish to be worried about how to will meet the needs of all these other people and the senior’s. It’s admirable to have these concerns answered. Preparation is the key to helping caregivers remove fear, overwhelming feelings, missing role models and caring for themselves. An adult child responded to one of my visit reports in which I had written about her Mother’s use of portable oxygen. She replied that her Mother really didn’t need it; her attachment was all psychological. The adult child told me the Mother had been previously evaluated for respiratory functioning and found “barely qualified” for oxygen. I replied that my observations didn’t confirm that; Mother was currently gasping for air upon exertion.
After a hospitalization, the tests showed the Mother had pneumonia. Pneumonia can be subtle in the way it looks to observers. We might think of it as a disease that leaves the patient unable to breathe at all unless aided. Not really. In my years working with seniors I’ve noted a variety of presentations. Some seniors describe a “smoker’s cough”. Some seem to have a cough that just hangs on. Some report they have “allergies” (that present as a cough). Some of these self diagnoses turned out to be pneumonia. This is a factor that should not be left to chance. Remember Jim Henson (the creator of the Muppets) died of an untreated walking pneumonia. We need to check because what we can see may not be the whole story. For example, I asked one of my social workers about a reported reference to a senior’s cough. She said the senior had this symptom for some time. I required her to get the senior an evaluation. The tests showed a severe pneumonia that required hospitalization! How can caregivers know; we’re not doctors? When I talk to seniors, I keep these three points in mind; frequency, intensity, and duration. When the cough has hung on a long time, it’s a duration indicator. Ignore self diagnosis and get an evaluation. Why, because seniors are more at risk. They may not be as active, they may be overweight, or they may have compromised immune systems. Just because a senior was once evaluated doesn’t mean they are still functioning in the same way. Who was right; both of us. The adult child observed her Mother clutching the oxygen tanks. She did. I observe the Mother struggling for air when she transfers to and from the car. She did. The evaluation didn’t throw out either observation, it linked them. The Mother was struggling and responded by becoming hyper aware of her oxygen tanks. It’s helpful to remember this tale when home care, or facility staff report an issue. Their report may differ from your observations. Evaluations help provide answers and directions. Ignoring reports can lead to more complications. |
Author "A Senior Moment" is written by Ms. Sara Lieber, owner of Senior Sidekicks. Ms. Lieber has over 30 years of experience in senior care. Archives
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